The Best One Liner Jokes 2

Best One Liner Jokes 2

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.

Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The obscure we see eventually, the completely apparent takes a little longer.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

Remember the tea kettle, though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job.

People who think they know everything upset those of us who do.

Appearances are not everything, it just looks like they are.

I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!

Please do not steal, the IRS hates competition!

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that are dangerous.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.

History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Business truth: The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.

The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.

Repetition does not establish validity.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

A flying particle will always seek the nearest eye.

Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.

People specialize in their area of greatest weakness.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Ambivalent? Well yes and no....

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.

If Snapple comes from the best stuff on earth, then our planet really sucks.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.