The Best One Liner Jokes

Best One Liner Jokes

Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.

Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease, sometimes it gets replaced.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

The other line always moves faster.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

My wife submits and I obey, she always lets me have her way.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Adler's Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats.

Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

God must love stupid people. He made so many.

If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I hope I'm the last guy on earth -- I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

The farther away the future is, the better it looks.

If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.

There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

All men are animals, some just make better pets.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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