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Funny Country Redneck Jokes All Smiles Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner. "Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken." Baptist Cowgirl A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs.All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawn in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine;" she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my sisters though." Bubba Dead - 
Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?", said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes..." Clothing Sale Bubba didn't know what the sign in the store window meant when he concocted an idea. The sign said "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair". Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl." They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......" The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Arkansas, aren't you?" "Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?" The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners." Country Style -
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style." "What's country style?" asks the city boy. "Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute." Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it's..it's m..my turn." The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck." Defend Your Honor The year was 1876. A lone stage coach rumbled along a road in Texas. Inside was a tough Texan cowboy, a southern belle, and a sissy businessman from out east. "Hey, lady, I'll pay you $2 for some oral sex," says the businessman. Without warning, the cowboy pulls his revolver and blows him away. "Thank you for defending my honor," the lady says. "To hell with your honor!" the Texan roars, "I won't have him raisin' the price of our women!" Delmar & Betty Joe Delmar and Betty Jo grew up close together. Their families were neighbors and they lived in the hills of Tennessee. They played together as kids, and Delmar and Betty Jo became sweethearts. As time went by, they became more romantic, and found true deep Hillbilly love. Finally, Delmar decided to ask Betty Jo's Daddy for her hand in marriage. So, they had a big Hillbilly Ho-Down and Bar-B-Q, and Blue Grass Music, the wedding, reception.......the works. Delmar and Betty Jo then took off for their Honeymoon. The next morning Delmar returned home alone to his family and his Daddy was sitting up. Delmar: Say Daddy Daddy: Say Son.......where is dat thar bride of yours'? Delmar: Well Daddy,....ya' member that thar weddin we had? Yeap Son! And that reception and a Bar-B-Q we had? Yeap Son! And then we then took off for our Honeymoon? Yeap Son. Well Daddy, I went to make love with her and found out she was a Virgin! Elevator Magic A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!" Elk Huntin' -
Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind." One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year. Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," It looks like we are about 100 yards from where we crashed last year. Free Consultation -
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer? 'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer. 'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?' 'Sure is, Bubba.' 'And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was given that hot coffee that she ordered then she spilled on her lap?' 'Yep.' said the lawyer. 'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?' 'That's right,' said the lawyer.' 'But why are you asking?' 'Well, I was thinkin..... What I wants to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?' Freeze Your Ass Off -
Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like each other much. In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare ass. After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob, "What are you doing?" Bob explained and she said, "Come on, you will only freeze your ass off." Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet. Then his wife got an idea. "Lets change places when Joe is looking the other way." Bob's Wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and traded places with Bob. Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him, "What are you doing?" Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!" "You are crazy. Come on in." "Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!" First Made Love Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem. "That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed. "Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..." "Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?" "Baaaaa..." Fishing Trip Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune! The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?" The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more...!" Hang Gliding Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. "I think ya missed him, Paw," she says. "Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!" Hillbilly Birth Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!' Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres another one coming.' Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!' cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, 'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?' Kin Ya Breathe? -
Two hillbillies, Ed and Red, walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seed nobody do it!" Lets Go Fishing A redneck walks up to his wife one early Saturday morning and tells her you got 2 choices. You can either give me a blow job or go fishing with me. The wife says "I'm feeling tired so I'll just give you the blow-job." So she's down there giving him a blow-job when she suddenly says "ewww! this tastes like shit" The husband says "Yea i know." The dog didn't want to go fishing either! Lunch Time -
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch." Mirror Image After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city's stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy. He bought the picture, but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn't much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. The man's many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy's suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with. My Wife is Dumb Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!" The second hillbilly said "My wife is way dumber than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!" The third hillbilly said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there... and she ain't even got a dick!" On The Way To Prison -
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...." Spa Treatment Three Women were at a spa, sitting naked in a sauna... One German, one Japanese & a hillbilly. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm & the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager",she said "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm. "A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna & went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her butt. The others raised their eyebrows & stared at! her. The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that! I'm gettin' a fax." Steve Falls Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow!" And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are. Supernatural -
A professor at the Texas A&M was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you, who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. 'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hands. 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' 3 students raise their hands. 'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The big Texas redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' Bubba replied, 'Shiiiiit! , from way back thar I thought you said, Goats.' Talking Farm Animals -
A ventriloquist's car breaks down near a farm and he decides to have a little fun with the redneck farmer that owned it. Hey there, he says. I bet I can make your horse talk. Horses don't talk says the farmer. We'll see, says the ventriloquist. He turns to the horse and asks, So how does your master treat you? Pretty well, says the horse. He gives me plenty of food and water, and he lets me run all over. I bet I can make the dog talk, too, says the ventriloquist. Dog's don't talk says the farmer. How about you? the ventriloquist asks the dog. Is he good to you too? Yup, says the dog. We play fetch. Let's see what the sheep has to say, says the ventriloquist. Wait!" yells the farmer "That sheep is a fuckin' liar!" Training Day An old man who'd lived all his life back up in the hills of West Virginia came to visit a childhood friend down in the valley. Now he'd never laid eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run. Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant whistle... WOOOO--ooo---OOOOO! but didn't have a clue as to what it meant or his impending danger. Predictably, the old boy is hit -- fortunately it's just a side swipe, and he's thrown, head over heels off the tracks, get's off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at a friend's place for dinner one evening. Standing in the kitchen, he hears the rising whistle of the family tea kettle wooOOO.... Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper. His friend, hearing the fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks his friend, "Why'd you wreck our lovely tea kettle?" The mountain man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small." Two Hunters A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do? The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: OK, now what? Vacation Advice -
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. THREE YEARS AGO, YOU SAID TO GO TO HAWAII. I WENT TO HAWAII AND GRETCHEN GOT PREGNANT. THEN TWO YEARS AGO, YOU TOLD ME TO GO TO THE BAHAMAS, AND GRETCHEN GOT PREGNANT AGAIN. LAST YEAR, YOU SUGGESTED TAHITI AND DARNED IF SHE DIDN'T GET PREGNANT AGAIN!" Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "THIS YEAR SHE'S GOIN' WITH ME!!" Welfare Office A woman goes into the welfare office to fill out the requred forms. The lady helping her asked for the name of her oldest male child. "Billy" she replied. "now the oldest girl" "Billie" was the reply "OK, and the next oldest?" the lady asked. "Billee" she replied again. this went on for all 16 of her kids! I do have one question for you said the Lady. "How do they know who you want if you yell for them? "Thats easy" came the reply..."I just use their LAST name"! |
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