Best Funny Political Jokes Ever

Funny Political Jokes

Bush Falls

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." George W. said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George W. said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" George W. was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you are handicapped." The kid replied, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

Clocks

Michelle Obama dies and goes to heaven, and she's in the waiting room to see Jesus. There are clocks everywhere, not a single square inch of wall or ceiling doesn't have a timepiece. Some of them don't seem to be moving. St. Peter comes out and calls her name. "I'm here" she says. "What's with all the clocks?". St. Peter says "Everyone who has ever lived has a clock here. Every time they tell a lie, their clock moves forward by one minute. This is George Washington's clock. As you can see, it's one past midnight, so he only told one lie." "Oh" Michelle said. "Where's my husband's clock?" "That's in Jesus' office" St. Peter replies. "He uses that as a fan".

Desert Scrap Yard

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

Difference Between a Republican & Democrat - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

Father Daughter Talk

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."

Free Kittens! - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away one sunny morning, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to them.
Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with some policemen on motorcycles in front.
The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.
'Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?' he asked.
'Kittens,' Little Suzy says. 'They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet.'
'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked.
'Democrats,' says Little Suzy.
The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.
Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
It was planned that they would return later that day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.
Later that afternoon, Little Suzy is still out on the corner with her box of kittens with the 'FREE KITTENS' sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.
Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy.
'Now, don't be frightened,' he said, 'I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today.'
'Yes sir,' Suzy said, 'They are all REPUBLICAN kittens.'
Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, 'But this morning, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS!'
Little Suzy says, 'Yes, I know. But now they have their eyes open.'

News Report

A man shot a wild dog while attacking a baby. The news crew came in and prepared a report. The next day the man reading newspaper a report says "An American Hero Saved a Baby's Life." The man went to the newspaper office and said I am sorry I am not American. News crew: "Okay what are you?" the man replied I am an Arab.

The next day the newspaper reported "An Arab Terrorist murdered a puppy in New York Central Park". Investigators are trying to find the motive of the suspect.

Hilary Clinton Joke - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

Hillary Clinton is speaking at an elementary school classroom and is answering questions. A boy raised his hand and identified himself as "Jimmy". "I have two questions," he said. "One, what is your stand on Iraq, and two, how do you plan to lower poverty levels in America?"

Just then, the recess bell rang, and Clinton told everyone she'd get back to questions when the students returned. A half hour later, the kids came back, and Hillary began answering questions again. Another boy raised his hand and identified himself as "Harry".

"I have four questions," he said. "One, what is your stand on the war in Iraq? Two, how do you plan to lower poverty levels in America? Three, why did the recess bell ring an hour early? And four, what happened to Jimmy?!"

Letter To God

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those ASSHOLES took $95.00 in taxes.

Obama Joke

One night Obama is strolling a few blocks from the White House when he passes a hooker standing on the corner. The hooker asks " Wanna party ? " and Obama responds " How much ? " The hooker replies " 100 Dollars ". Obama replies " I'll give you 10 Dollars " Insulted....the hooker storms off. The following night Obama is out strolling again this time with Michelle. They walk even further away from the White House when the same hooker spots them across the street and yells out " SEE WHAT YOU GET FOR 10 DOLLARS !! "

Osama is Alive - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down ."

Republican In Hell - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

Sarah Palin Goes Fishing

Sarah Palin had been feeling the stress of the election campaign. She decided to take a day off and go fishing alone. She went to a lake, got a row boat and began fishing. A freak wave hit the boat, overturning it and Sarah's heavy clothes dragged her under and she began to drown. Luckily for her there was a young boy also fishing in the lake. He saw her plight and swam to her aid....dragging her to safety and performing resuscitation upon her. She was so grateful! she said to him "Do you know whose life you just saved? I am Gov Sarah Palin. I betcha didn't know you were saving the life of the woman who is running for VP!! For the service you have done your nation I will, if elected make sure you get ANYTHING you want." The little boy thinks for a moment and then asks.
So, can I have a state funeral?
Gov Palin was taken aback. She says "Why on earth would you want a state funeral? You're just a child. You won't die for years and years!!"

And the little boy says
Well I don't know about that! 'Cause when I get home and tell my mother and father what I did today.....they're gonna KILL me!!

The History Of Man

The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days killing animals to bar becue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals actually became women.

Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the conservatives fed them.

Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and french food are on liberal menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of law. They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing world. They believe in the concept of truth. Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing production of conservatives and undermining principled references such as the Bible and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue because they always do whatever is best for them without regard to others. They have no standard of reference. Liberals do not give to charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice. They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax money which they vote away from conservatives. Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad. They own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals. They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals and other foreign criminals.

Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense. They disarm conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies with guns. King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who abandoned the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self indulgence, and attempted to tax and govern conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer. Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries, convict common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have been charged by liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot liberals from other countries who want to govern our country.

Conservatives know the difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed statute passed by some liberal from Massachusetts. When sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't explain their reasons. Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as the privilege of making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting on juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals and other common criminals. Modern Judges are all liberals as they do not produce anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money. They consider it against the law to reference any source of law such as the Bible or Constitution. Like other liberals, they just make it up as they go and do what is best for them. Judge Roy Bean is their model.

The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet."

Two Brazillians - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning. They told President Obama that two Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'

Traffic Halt

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the Impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!"

What is Politics? - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Woman In A Hot Air Balloon - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

Woman in a hot air balloon

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.

She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man consults his portable GPS and replies,'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says,'You must be a Republican!'

'I am,' replies the man.'How did you know?'

'Well,' answers the balloonist,'everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'

The man smiles and responds,'You must be a Democrat.'

'I am,' replies the balloonist.'How did you know?'

'Well,' says the man,'You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.