Best Funny Old Age Retirement Jokes Ever

Funny Old Age Retirement Jokes

Boyfriend And Girlfriend

An old man and woman are sitting outside at the nursing home and the man says "How would you like to be my girlfriend?" And the lady says "Well, I would like that." So the man says "Well would you put you hand between my legs and just sit here for a while." So the old woman put her hand between his legs and they just sat there. The next day when the old lady made her way to the bench to sit with her "boyfriend" she found him sitting with another lady and she had her hand between his legs. The old lady said "How could you cheat on me so soon. What does she have that I don't have and he said "Parkinson's."

Don't Mess With The Elderly - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Great Baddow, Essex, answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning, Ma'am,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said Myra brusquely. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money,' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he commanded. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

Myra stepped back and said with a smile, 'Well let me get you a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.'

Dress Of Love

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.
The mother asks the daughter: "what are you doing naked?" The daughter responds:"This is the dress of love."
When the mother returns home, She strips naked and waits for her husband.
When her husband arrives, he asks her: "what are you doing naked, woman?"
She responds: "This is the dress of love."
And he said to her: "Well, go iron it."

Escort Service

Two old men go to an escort service house. The madam asks them what they want. They say women. She asks, "How old are you?" They say 90.

So she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow up doll. So they go upstairs and do their thing.

When they come back downstairs the first old man asks the other "How was it?" The other one says "I think she was dead, she just layed there, how was yours?"

"I think mine was a witch."

"A witch?"

"Yeah, I bit her on the tit, she farted and flew out the window."

Frog Sound

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

Getting Old Is No Fun

George, Bob and Jeff are sitting down talking in the old folks home. George: "This getting old is no fun. I wake up at six o'clock every morning, by ten past I need a pee. But for the life of me, I just can't manage it. It is so uncomfortable." old age 367 Bob: That's nothing, mate. I wake at six o'clock and by twenty past I need a dump. But for the life of me, I just can't manage it. It is so uncomfortable." Jeff: "That is nothing, gents. I go for a wee at ten past six, and a dump at twenty past six every morning without fail." Bob: "What is so bad about that?" Jeff: "I don’t wake up until seven."

Golf Game

Moses, Jesus and another guy are playing golf. Moses tees up his ball and hits a great drive heading right for the lake. Just before the ball hits the water, the waters part, and the ball rolls across the lake bed, up the hill and stops 1 foot from the hole. Jesus tees up his ball and hits a great drive heading right for the lake. The ball hits the water and skips across the top of the lake, up the hill and stops 6 inches from the hole. The other guy tees up his ball and hits a great drive heading right for the lake. Just before the ball hits the water, a fish jumps up and catches it in it’s mouth, an eagle flying overhead sees the fish, swoops down and grabs it. The bird and fish circle overhead three times and the ball falls out of the fish’s mouth, dropping right into the hole. Moses looks at Jesus and says, “Man, I hate playing with your Daddy”.

Grandma's Birth Control Pills

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

Yes, they help me sleep at night. "

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear,I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believe me, it helps me sleep at night. "

Fifty Fifty

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "In a moment: it's his turn with the teeth first."

Horny Old Ladies

Two old ladies were sitting on rocking chairs in their retirement home. One asked, "Do you still ever get horny?"
"Oh, yes!" was the reply.
"What do you do about it?" asked the first.
"I suck on a lifesaver." was the reply.
The first lady sat there for a long while pondering the answer. Finally she couldn't stand it any longer, and asked,
"Who drives you to the beach?"

Lack Of Vision

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Making Money

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

New Hearing Aid

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
< He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I done changed my will three times!"

Old Ladies Smoking - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

Old Timers Dance

There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I'll give you 20 bucks!"

She says, "I'm willing, let's go".

They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin.

After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, "Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks".

Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"

Parking Ticket

'Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Dawne called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived.

Pet Names

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love.

While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names.

The old man hung his head. I have to tell you the truth, he said. I forgot her name about ten years ago.

Physical Exam - Top Rated Jokes 5 Stars

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Red Light

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Retirement Bonus - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The Captain calmly replied "Vietnam."

Retiring Mailman

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small community he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45 years.

So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work.

At the next house they gave him a check for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a check for 200 dollars.

At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered. She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath.

The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, "I've had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?"

The lady replied, "I asked my husband what we should do for you and he said 'fuck him, give him five bucks', but breakfast was my idea."

Sexologist - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

An elderly couple visit a sexologist. He's a bit surprised , but tries to hide it. The old gent says " Sir , we're having a bit of a problem , I'd appreciate it if you'd take the time to watch our technique and tell us exactly what's going wrong". And they proceed to do it in his office. Afterwards , the doctor says" i don't see anything wrong . " the man says " maybe we're a bit anxious because you're around. it'll take time to get used to you watching." The doctor says " whatever. see you next Thursday.". The same thing happens the next two weeks. Finally the doctor cracks." there's nothing wrong with either of you ! why do you keep coming?"

The guy smiles and says " Well , doc it's like this , On Thursdays , her husband's home and so is my wife. Hotels are expensive. At least this way we can see each other on Thursdays and medicare foots the bill!"

Silent Farts - Top Rated Jokes 5 Stars

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.

The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back. Doctor, she says, I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts although still silent stink terribly.

The doctor says, Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.

Speech Impediment

There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment.
One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store.
He went up to the shop assistant and asked "Could I have a fucket please?"
The assistant asked"Pardon sir?".
"Can I have a fucket please?" Replied the man.
"Oh you mean a bucket!" The shop assistant replied.
The old man said "Yes, that's what I said". So the man paid for his bucket and went into the antique shop.

In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked - "Can I have a cock please?"
The cashier looked very puzzled and asked "Pardon?".
The man again asked "Can I have a cock please?"
The cashier replied "Oh you mean a clock! - yes certainly sir."
So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop.

The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant and asked "Can I have a bum please?"
The assistant said "Sorry sir what did you say?".
So he repeated himself "Can I have a bum please?".
The assistant said " Oh right, you mean a bun!".
The old man said "Yes that's what I said in the first place."
So the man bought a bun and walked out of the shop.

As he was walking down the street a little old lady came up to him and asked "Excuse me sir, but do you know the time?"
The man replied "Yes certainly, hold my bum and fucket while I get my cock out."

Stumpy & Martha

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money. Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to be naughty and have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

Well Organized Life - Top Rated Jokes 5 Stars

Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; ,my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show. three to get ready and four to go."

What's For Dinner?

A man in his late 70s is at the pub with a mate of his, discussing their respective wives. ‘Mine still thinks she’s a young woman.’ ‘If you want to know how young she is, you could try this little trick. When you get home, ask her what’s for dinner from several distances. Start at 30 feet, then 25 feet, then 20, and so on. The sooner she hears you, the younger she is.’ So, an hour later, the man arrives home and shouts, at a distance of about 30 feet from his wife: ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ No answer. He goes a bit closer. ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ Still no answer. He goes closer, asks it again, no response… When he’s finally standing in the doorway of the kitchen, about five feet away from his wife, he yells, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?!’ His wife turns around briskly and says, sounding irritated: ‘I’ve already told you three times now: chicken and mushrooms!’