Best Funny Medical Doctor Dentist Nurse Jokes Ever

Funny Medical Jokes

Cute Nurse Joke

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:'Well, that's great....that's just great......Some asshole's got my pen!

Dental Surgery

A particularly voluptuous lady entered the dentists surgery in an obvious state of agitation. The dentist tried to calm her down assuring her that he would do nothing to hurt her. She sat down in the chair and started fidgeting nervously as the dentist began sterilizing all the required equipment. When he asked her to open her mouth, she screamed.

So he tried to calm her down again even though he was losing patience.

Almost immediately the lady threw a hysterical fit, then realizing that the dentist had begun glaring at her, she said, "Oh doctor, I'm so nervous. I hate dentists. Why, I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth drilled."

Replied the dentist " Well Miss, better make up your mind fast so that I can adjust the chair accordingly."

Doctor Dale

Doctor Dale had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dale, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dale."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Dale.....
Dale.....
Dale, you sick bastard
You're a vet."

Drug Store Computer

A man complains to his friend "My elbow hurts -- I'd better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," his friend volunteers. "There's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, and the computer will give you your diagnosis and a plan of treatment."

The man figures he has nothing to lose, so he goes down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he pours in the urine and deposits $10. The machine begins to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper pops out which reads:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

That evening, after some contemplation, the man begins to suspect fraud and decides to test the machine. He mixes together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbates into the jar.

He takes this concoction down to the drug store, pours it into the machine, and deposits $10. The machine goes through the same process, buzzing and flashing before finally printing out the following message:

Your tap water has lead.
Get a filter.
Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs.
Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant.
It's not your baby -- get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Elderly Doctor Visit - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $98.00, we do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

Getting Tooth Pulled

A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas.
The man objects again: "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says: "Here's a Viagra tablet."
The patient says: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!"

Gorgeous Redhead Aches

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your "A hole" is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably fishing with his buddies.

Latex Gloves

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to Tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No."
"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up With a large tank of latex and the workers are all picked according to Hand size.
Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, And then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right Onto their hands!
Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the Big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!!
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her Teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and Exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

Lawyer Patient - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but finally even she had had enough. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

Mental Patients

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like hes driving a car.The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well, Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlies room and goes across the hall into Bobs room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "Im screwing Charlies wife while hes in Chicago"

Migraine Solution - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

man comes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc. "I have migraines, too...and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand...especially around the forehead.

This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex...and almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."

Must Be A Dentist

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink. A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The girl looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist!" Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes. That's amazing. How did you determine that?"
After their passionate deed was done the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!"
The guy was very surprised, and said 'Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist... You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear? ' His lover said, "That's easy. I didn't feel a thing."

New Born Babies

Three men were at a hospital waiting for their babies to be born. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you just had twins!". He said, "That's wild because I work for Twin Gates Electric Company". Another nurse comes in and tells the second man, "Congratulations, you just had triplets!". He said, "Man, that's uncanny because I work for 3M company." Upon hearing all this, the third man gets up from his chair and starts toward the door. The nurse says, "Wait sir, your wife has not had her baby yet. Where are you going?". The man replied, "Hell lady, I'm leaving while I can....I work for 7Up!!".

Newlywed Joke

A carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist had a mutual friend who was getting married and each was determined to play a practical joke on the newlyweds.

The electrician decided to wire up the marriage bed so that when the two bodies touched, they got an electrical shock. The carpenter planned to saw partly through the bed frame so that it would collapse when the shocked newlyweds jumped apart.

As the wedding approached, the dentist was still scratching his head and trying to come up with something.

After the honeymoon, the new husband confronted his three friends and said, "I didn't mind to much when we got zapped, and we both had a good laugh when the bed fell down. But who the hell put novicaine in the vaseline?"

Pregnant Nurse

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse who became pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and instructed her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
"Just send me a postcard," he replied, "and write spaghetti on the back. I'll take care of all the expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months later, the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Honey, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I'll explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home and, after reading the postcard, dropped to the floor clutching his chest. Paramedics rushed him to the emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest, and the doctor's wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

Queen Elizabeth Visits Hospital - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Quicky -

A married man woke up, shaved, took a shower and getting ready for the dental appointment. His wife, for some reason, fixed up a delicious breakfast for him. The man starts eating his breakfast and notices his wife acting strange.

Man: sweetheart? what?s wrong?!!! Wife: I?m so horny this morning? lets do it right now?. Man: no, sweety, I have a dental appointment in 30 minutes and I don't wanna be late Wife: well... lets do it quick, just give me some oral quickly then go to the dentist.

So the man did his best, comes to the dentist, sits down the dental chair. Dentist asks him to open up his mouth, the guy does and suddenly the dentist screams:Oh my god?..!!!
Man: what??! What is it???!!!!!....... do you see some hair between my teeth?????
Dentist: No, but you've got shit all over your beard!!!!!

Sick Husband

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

Sixty Nine Before Dentist Appt.

One day a man and his wife are 69ing when the man suddenly realizes he has a dentist appointment. He quickly stops and runs to the bathroom and starts to brush his teeth with loads of toothpaste. He then puts lots of mouthwash in his mouth and spits it out, then repeats the process.

He then gets a tone of minty spray and keeps spraying it in his mouth as he gets dressed. Before he runs out the house he grabs a packet of gum and chews the whole thing on the way to the dentist.

At the dentist he starts to devour a whole pack of mints as he waits for his appointment.

He then goes into the room and lies on the chair. After a few seconds of looking in his mouth the dentist says "You've been 69ing with your wife haven't you?"

The man looks shocked and asks "How do you know?! Can you smell it on my breath?"

The dentist then says "Nope, you've got a skid mark on your forehead."

Sneezing Problem

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the 1st class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for 10 to 15 secs. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman & said,"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed 3 times, wiped your nose & then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man,more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded,"BLACK PEPPER."

Unusual Complication

A patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four- hour surgical procedure.

A student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Yearly Physical - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."