Best Funny Little Johnny Jokes Ever

Funny Little Johnny Jokes

Beautiful

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just fucking beautiful!

Baby With No Ears - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home." I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said," This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.

Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good? The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be screwed if he needed to wear glasses"

Black Rooster

Little Johnny's father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said, "Okay, Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How many wings does the rooster have?"
Johnny replied, "It has two."
Little Johnny's father then asked, "How many eyes does the rooster have?" Johnny replied, "It has two."
Little Johnny's father then asked, "Well then, how many legs do you think the rooster had?"
Johnny replied, "It has two, daddy."

So then, Little Johnny's daddy said, "Well then, a big white cat walks up to where the big black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster. How many teeth does the cat have?"
Little Johnny scratched his head and replied, "I don't know daddy, how many teeth does the cat have?"
Little Johnny's daddy grabbed him by the arm and exclaimed, "Alright boy, how come you know so much about big black cock & so little about white pussy?"

Camp Trip

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mommy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mommy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "It ain't my finger either".

Climb A Tree

Little Johnny and Clarissa are walking down the street, when Little johnny says to Clarissa 'Climb up that tree and ill give you $5 ' So she climbed up the tree, and received $5. She went home shouting 'mommy mommy i received $5 from Johnny just for climbing up the tree!' Her mom looked at her and said 'He just wants to see your underwear.' The next day Little Johnny said 'Climb up the tree and ill give you $25' So she climbed up the tree happily knowing she would receive $25. She ran home shouting 'mommy mommy! I received $25 from Little Johnny for climbing up the tree! I'M RICH!' Her mom sighed and said, 'Clarissa, I've told you this before..He just wants to see your underwear' The next day Little Johnny did the same thing, But this time he offered her $50. She climbed up happily and ran home to her mom saying 'mommy mommy! LOOK! I got $50 from Little Johnny for climbing up the tree!' Her mom said 'LOOK, I've told you this before.. he just wants to see your underwear!' Clarissa sighed, 'But mommy, I tricked Johnny! Today I didn't wear any underwear!' Her mom fainted.

Dirty Mind - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None.”, replied Johnny,”cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher. “But I like the way you are thinking.” Little Johnny said, “I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone?” “No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you’re thinking!”

Example of Tragedy

Jesse Jackson is speaking before a class of children and asks if anyone can give an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
The Reverend Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room Little Johnny raises his hand.
In a quiet voice he says, "If a jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says Little Johnny, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

Fish Stories

In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?" Little Johnny raises his hand.
"Go ahead, Johnny."
"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."
"That's terrible, Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this.
Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"
Again Johnny raises his hand.
"We'll give you another chance."
"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it and his eyes popped out in shock."

Fun With Elements

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

Gambler - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

Ham For Dinner

One day a lady from the church had come over and had given a gift for all the wonderful sermons that her husband has given.
Mrs. Johnson had said, "Thank you very much but what is it?"
The lady said, "It is a Damn ham."
Mrs. Johnson looked shocked and said, "Don't speak that way to me, don't you know that I am the preachers wife!"
The lady said, "Yes, yes I know, but that is the brand name of the ham!"
Mrs. Johnson said, "ooh I see well thank you" and the lady left.
Later that night when Mrs. Johnson was cooking dinner the preacher came into the kitchen and said, "Mmmm! That smells really good! What is it?"
Mrs. Johnson said," Well that's your dinner tonight, some Damn Ham"
The preacher was shocked and said, "Don't speak to me that way! Don't you know who I am?"
Mrs. Johnson said, "Yes, yes! I know who you are! It is just the brand name!"
The preacher said, "Oh! I see! Well it smells great!"
That night when dinner was ready she had set it out on the table. The corn, mashed potatoes, rolls, and ham!
When the family sat down they said their prayers and began to eat. The preacher said to his wife, "Could you please pass me some of that Damn ham?"
The wife said "sure".
Then little Johnny said, "Alright dad! While you're at it can you pass me the fucking mashed potatoes!"

It Hurts Down There

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.
The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"
Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."
"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.
A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.
Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.
The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"
Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up!!!."

Johnny & Jenny

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old and know that they're madly in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance..Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well,we've been lucky so far..."

Johnny At The Playground - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Knock At The Door

One day an insurance salesman knocked on the door. Little Johnny answered the door and was asked if his mother was home.

Little Johnny said, "No, she's at the w***e house."

The salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and Little Johnny replied, "No, she's a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and Fridays during the rush."

The salesman replied, "Well, I'll be a son-of-a-****."

Little Johnny said, "Heck, I'm a son-of-a-**** too, but I don't go around knocking on doors telling folks."

Little April - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Savior," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The Teacher fainted.

Mommy's Ballons - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Multi-Syllable Words

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

Salesmanship

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Substitute Teacher

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and then says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

Tell What's Your Flavor

Little Johnny's teacher passed out red lifesavers to all the kids in class as part of her lesson on the 5 senses. She told all the children to use whatever sense of perception they could to figure out the flavor. Some kids smelled them, some pointed out the color, but everyone eventually tasted them. Finally a little girl raised her hand and said, "is it cherry?" "Yes it is" said the teacher. Next she passed out purple grape lifesavers to everyone. The children examined and tasted the candy until a little boy put his hand in the air and announced, "it's grape!" "Good job" said the teacher. For the last one, she passed out yellow honey-flavored lifesavers. All the kids examined, smelled, and tasted the candy, but no one had a guess. The teacher offered a hint. She said, "it's something your mommy and daddy may call you." Little Johnny immediately screamed, "spit it out everybody, it's fucking asshole!"

Third Grade Quiz

Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils. "Johnny,what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office. The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times three?" "Nine, Sir." "How much is nine times six?" "Fifty-four." And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade student should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."

Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" "Pockets!"

"OK,what does a dog do that a man steps into?" "Pants."

"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" "Coconut."

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" "Shake hands, Ma'am."

"Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK? First one: You stick your pole inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do." Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"

"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." "Nose."

"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver." "Arrow."

"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?" "Firetruck,Ma'am!"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

What's This Called Mom

Little Johnny is playing in the street with his friends. He runs into the house and says "Mum, whats it called when two people share a room and one lies on top of the other?"

His mom is a little bit taken aback and quickly decides to tell Johnny the truth "That's called sexual intercourse, Johnny".

Little Johnny looks stumped, and he runs back to his friends in the street.

2 minutes later, he runs back into the house and says "Mom! you liar! Its not called sexual intercourse, its called BUNK BEDS!"

What's This Called Mom

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day.It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

Who Said? - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first. The teacher asked another question, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny was even madder than before. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to any of the questions.
Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turned around and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, TIGER WOODS, CAN I GO NOW?"