Best Funny Sick Dirty Jokes Ever

Funny Dirty Jokes

25 Year Anniversary - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Boy Showers

One day a boy goes to his grandmother's house and asks if he can jump into the shower with his granny.
His grandma says okay, and while in the shower the boy looks down and sees his grandma's vagina, and asks, "hey grandma, what's that?" and she says, "oh that's just my beaver." "Oh, okay," says the little boy.

The boy then goes to his mom's house, when he asks to jump into the shower with his mommy, and she says okay. While in the shower, the little boy looks down and sees his mother's vagina and asks, "Hey ma, what's that?" and the mother says, "That's just my beaver, why do u ask?"

The little boy replies, "Because grandma's got a beaver too, except i think it's dead because it's tongue hangs out."

Bear Hunt 'n

Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.

The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.

The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Cartwheeling for Cash

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

Deserted Island

There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women. After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So... They buried her.

Desk Jockey - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

There was this white collar desk jockey. It was his anniversary, 15 years. He was looking forward to a night out on the town with his wife when his boss enters his cubicle and tells the man that a big project is behind schedule and he has to stay late until it's done.

The guy get's pissed off. But seeing as it's either his job or his wife, he calls home and tells his wife that he has to stay late at work to finish a project.

She gets all pissed off and tells him that she'll just probably go to bed then.

The guy knowing that his wife will be eternally pissed unless he comes up with something good, thinks about his situation, and comes up with the answer.

He'll go home, sneak into the house, sneak into the bedroom and proceed to sneak under the covers and then start eating out his wife's snatch, it's her favorite thing in the whole bedroom scene.

"Well, that's what I'm gonna do," he tells himself.

He gets done with his project at about 10p.m. and goes home, sneaks in, sneaks into the bedroom, and sneaks under the covers. He starts going to town. She starts moaning and groaning. After a bit, he thinks to himself, "HOLY FUCK, this tastes awful, I need to do this more often to keep it clean. But Oh, well, it's our anniversary and she deserves it." So he keeps going, and about 15 minutes into it he can't take anymore, crawls out from under the covers and bolts towards the master-bath.

He flings the door open, turns on the light, and screams, "HOLY SHIT."

His wife, who's sitting on the toilet, says, "SHHHHHH!, your mom is spending the night."

Don't Think So

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.
Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don't think so."
A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it's out."
"Who do I look like an electrician, I don't think so, " Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."
Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don't think so."
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."
She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.
A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment. He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."
Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don't think so!"

Emergency Doctor

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

Guy With No Ears

Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."

Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage. The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"

Tony was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person.
"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!!"

Helpful Nun

A Soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."
The nun agreed to his request.
Shortly thereafter, the two Military Police came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.
She replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt And said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go To Iraq."
The nun said she can fully understand the fear.
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen.
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either."

I Call My Husband

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said: "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed: "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked: "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said: "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Jumbo Shrimp - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."
The boss says, "What's that?"
Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."
They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit."
Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."

Little Goblin

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

Making Cakes - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

No Money For Drinks

There were two friends drinking in a regular bar. When they were done drinking, both found out that they had no money to pay for the drinks. Not knowing what to do, the first guy said: "I have got an idea! Lets pretend we are gays. I'll grab a hot dog place it in my crotch and you'll blow on it. Everyone will think that you are blowing me penis and get disgusted by the scene and turn away. Then we'll run out without paying!" The second guy agreed and they started carrying out their plan. As predicted, everyone got disgusted and turned away from them, and they quickly ran out without anyone noticing them. The two guts were amazed by how well their trick worked and decided to visit other bars and do the same trick for free drinks. They visited seven bars, did the same trick and never got caught. They got really drunk and decided to go home. The second guy said. "Man. I am beat, I had to blow that hot dog the whole night and my mouth just can't take it anymore." "NO no no, I am beat." The first guy argued." I lost that hot dog ever since the second bar!"

Octo Musician

An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play ANY musical instrument that you like!" An Englishman gives him a guitar, which he plays better than Hendrix. An Irishman gives him a piano, which he plays better than Elton! A Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes so the Scotsman asks "Whats wrong? Can ye no play it?" The octopus replies "Play it? Im gonna fuck her brains out, once I get her pajamas off !!!"

Pepper -

A woman was sitting in an airplane waiting for her flight to start. As she waited, a man sat down next to her. She asked him his name. He replied Bob. About fifteen minutes into the flight Bob sneezed. After sneezing he took out his penis and wiped it off with a tissue. The woman was disgusted, but out of shyness didn't say anything. Thirty minutes later he sneezed again. Again he took out his penis and wiped it off. The woman was again disgusted. But yet again, out of shyness, didn't say anything, but resolved to say something if he did it again. Sure enough about forty-five minutes later he sneezed again. He proceeded to remove his penis from his pants and wipe it off. By now, the woman was sick of seeing this and asked him why he did it. The man replied "I have a medical condition. Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm." The woman, shocked, said "Oh, what do you take for that?" The man replied "Pepper."

Poker Face - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

Two couples were playing cards one evening.

One of the husbands, Jerry, accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray�s wife Trish, had her thighs spread wide, and she wasn�t wearing any knickers! Shocked by this, Jerry, upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Trish followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under the table?"
Surprised by her boldness, Jerry courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did.
She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you 50 bucks." After taking a minute or two to assess the offer, Jerry admitted that he was indeed interested. She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jerry doesn�t, that Jerry should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon. When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray�s house for sex with Ray�s wife at 2:00 sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $50, they go to her bedroom and have fantastic sex, just as Trish had promised. Afterwards, Jerry quickly dresses and leaves.

Ray returned home from work at 6:00. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Jerry come by with some money?"
With a lump in her throat, Ray�s wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray asked, "And did he give you 50 dollars ?"

In terror she assumed she�d somehow been rumbled, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me 50 dollars.

Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, said, "Good, I was hoping so. He came to the office this morning and borrowed 50 dollars and promised me he�d stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Prison Break - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Say No To Drugs

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."

So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.
So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.
''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.
''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.
''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''
''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''
''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.
''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''

Sex With The Teacher

A 13 year old boy came home all happy. His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?" "Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs. He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied, "Nah dad my bum is still sore."

Shanty House - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.

The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.

The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband inquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"

The wife again refuses.

This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her, and each morning the wife would refuse. However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and inquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"

The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.

"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."

Short And Sweet

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "did Santa get you that?" "Yes" replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $15. The little girl looks up at the cop and says "nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies "he sure did!" "Well" says the little girl, "next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

State Of The Art Watch

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."

The Rooster - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that would service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: �I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!�

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. �Randy�, he said, �I�m counting on you to do your stuff�. And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse. Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn�t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to he pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out �Stop, Randy, you�ll kill yourself�.But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying �Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you�ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy�. �Shhhhh� says Randy quietly to the farmer, �The buzzard is getting closer.�

Three Daughters

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

Tricking A Nun - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

Triplets

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was taking pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

Two Hobos

To hobo's were walking beside a railroad track. They ran into a dead skunk, the first hobo wanted to eat, but he asked if the second hobo wanted any, he just replied "No thanks, I'm waiting for a nice warm meal."

And they walked on to find a possum. The first hobo wanted to eat it, but he asked if the second hobo wanted some. He just replied, "No, I'm waiting for a nice warm meal

And they kept walking. they ran into a cat. The first hobo wanted to eat it, but he asked if the second hobo wanted some. He just replied " No, I', waiting for a nice warm meal."

And they kept walking. But the first hobo stopped. He started to vomit. And the second hobo sat down next to it and started eating. He said, "Now that's what I call a nice warm meal."

Young Prostitue

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck them dry!"