Best Funny A Man Walks Into A Bar Jokes Ever

Funny Bar Jokes

Anniverary Gift - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself."

Bad Day

A man walks into a bar looking kinda low. The bartender asks him what wrong? The man says I just got fired from my job, and now my wife's mad at me. The bartender replied, well I know something that will cheer you up. You see that horse over there? The man replied yea. Well If you put some money in its hat, it will do a little dance for you. OK the man replied. I'll put a dollar in his hat. As soon as the man dropped a dollar in horses hat, the horse started doing a little dance. The bartender asked the man. Well are ya feeling better now? Na I still feel low. Suddenly these two women walked in, wearing revealing clothes. The man started laughing out of control. The bartender looked over at the horse, which had a sad looked on its face. The bartender asked the man whats so funny. The man replied, that the smallest hard on I have ever seen in my life.

Bartender Help An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replies: "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

Best Bar In The World A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

Broke Alcoholics

A guy walks into the bar with his friend. Both of them dont have money. They go to the bar and he orders two rounds. His friend says "are you crazy?? we have no money how are we going to pay for this?" and the guy goes "don't worry, I've got a plan" so he takes a cocktail sausage and puts it in his fly and gets his friend to pretend he is sucking on it and the bartender throws them out witout having to pay. So they do this for a bout 10 bars and finally the guy's friend says "ok, I've had enough...my back and knees are killing me" and the guy goes "how do you think i feel?i lost the sausage at the third bar!"

Easy Bet - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that if you put a shot glass at that end of the bar, I could stand at the other end and fill it up with my urine."
Well the bartender thinks, "That's an easy $100." So he says "Okay."
Thus the guy gets on top of the bar and pees everywhere, even on the bartender.
Well, the bartender doesn't care, he just won $100. So very happily the bartender asks for his money.
The guy very happily says, "Here you go!"
The bartender then asks, "Why are you so happy?"
And the guy says, "Well, do you see that guy at the other end of the bar?"
The bartender looks and finds a gloomy looking man.
Well, I bet him $1000 that I could pee on you and you would be happy!"

Ethnic Bar Joke - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

A Russian guy, an American guy and a Mexican guy are all in a bar. The Russian guy drinks a bottle of vodka, throws it up in the air and shoots it. He says "it's okay we have a lot of those in our country"
The Mexican guy drinks a bottle of tequila, throws it in the air and shoots it! and says "it's okay, we have a lot of those in our country"
The American guy drinks a beer, throws the can in the air and shoots the Mexican and says "That's okay, we have a lot of those in our country"

Fancy Watch

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials.
The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."
Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."
"Rubbish," says the girl.
"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."
The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."
"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."
"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

Free Drinks

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the barman tells him he owes $10.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the barman, "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barman replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to large whiskey’s when, suddenly, the barman leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight.
Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Frisky Alien

A guy is sitting in a bar having a drink. All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him, licks its finger and sticks it in the guys ear. he is a little annoyed, but doesn't say anything. The next thing he knows, the alien does it again. This time the guy tells him to quit. Five minutes later, it happens again. This time he yells at him to stop. Ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear. Finally, he jumps up and screams, "If you don't quit I'm gonna rip your balls off!". The alien thinks about it for a second and does it again. The guy jumps up, pulls its pants down, but there was nothing there! in frustration he asks, "How do you screw?!!" The alien smiles and sticks his finger in the guys ear.

Got Grapes?

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says, "no" and the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says, "NO!"
The third day the duck walks into the bar and asks the same question.
The bartender says, "Listen! I didn't have any grapes yesterday; I don't have any today, and I won't have any tomorrow. If you come in here again and ask the same question, I'll nail your feet to the bar!"
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender says no." The duck asks, "Do you have any grapes?"

Gotta Try That - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.

About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!"

So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

Horse Bet

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of change and a little card that reads: Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.
COST $5
So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves.
The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says: You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.
COST $10
So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?"
The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"

In The Groove

This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks it's a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, "I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove."

So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, "Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here."

The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. "Anything else," he questions. The hippie replies, "Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove."

Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, "Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!"

So the barkeep returns to the hippie. "That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right?" "Yeah," the hippie says, "but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove."

Irish Car Bomb

An American couple walks into a pub in Ireland and asks the bartender for two Irish carbombs. The bartender says they don't serve those as they are offensive in Ireland but since he feels bad he will give them two shots on the house for not knowing any better. The bartender makes two flaming shots and puts them in front of the couple.

The couple says "Thanks, what are they?"

The bartender replies with "Those are our best drink, we call it Twin Towers."

Little Piano Man

A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie. "You grant wishes right?"
"Yes." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"
His friends sitting at the table replies, "Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

Lot In Common

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Man with Ostrich and Pussy Cat
A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whiskey for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whiskey for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whiskey for the cat".

The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".

The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".

"What did you wish for?" said the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

Magic Beer - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer," he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you."
He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

Monkey Bar - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

A Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes & eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bum. Sorry I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

One More Drink

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

Robotic Bartender

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, “What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says,”Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

Quick Bar Joke

A guy runs in a bar and he asks the bartender for 24 shots of his finest whiskey. When the bartender has poured the shots the guy drinks them down as fast as possible. The bartender says "wow! I've never seen anyone drink that fast before!" and the guy says "You would to if you had what I had" and the bartender says "What is it you have?" And the guy says "25 cents!" and runs out of the bar.

Seductive Message - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
Actually, no". the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't. breathes the bartender. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."
she continues, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Start'n Stuff

Three men are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was s-w-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

Shirt Pocket Drunk

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and asks him, "Every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

Sick On You

There was a guy at the bar who was so drunk he threw up on himself.
"Oh no! What should I do my wife will kill me!" he said.
"Oh don't worry" said his friend. "Just put $20 in your pocket and say that a bloke was sick on you and he gave you money for the dry cleaning bill."
When the man got home his wife was cross and accused him of being sick because he was drunk.
"No someone was sick on me. Look they gave me this $20 for dry cleaning." "But this is $40."
"Ah yes. The other $20 was from the chap who peed on my trousers."

Texas Style Vacation

A man went down to Texas on vacation. One evening he decided to go for a drink at his hotel's bar. Swinging a leg over the stool he calls out, "Barkeep, I'd like a beer."

The barkeep asks, "You want it Texas size?"

Without hesitation the northerner answers, "Yep!"

The barkeep brings back a barrel of beer. The man looks in surprise at the size of his beer. "Well, if I'm going to drink all this I better get some popcorn."

"Texas size?" The barkeep ask.

"Yep!" The man says.

The barkeep leaves and brings back a bushel basket of popcorn. A long time later the barrel of beer is almost empty and the popcorn gone. The man sees the barkeep and motioning him over slurs out, "Where's the bathroom?"

The barkeep points down a hallway. "First door on the left."

The man staggers down the hall but instead of taking the door on the left he takes the door on the right. He goes into the dark room looking for a light switch and falls into the hotel swimming pool.

"HELP! HELP!" He cries out. The barkeep runs into the room and turns on the light.

Seeing the barkeep, the man yells "DON'T FLUSH! DON'T FLUSH!"

Three Mice In A Bar - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times." The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

Three Little Pigs

First little pig goes into the bar Drinks a beer, pays for it, goes to the rest room, and leaves.
Second little pig goes into the bar drinks a six pack of beer, pays for it, goes to the rest room, and leaves.
The third little pig goes into the bar, drinks a case of beer , pays for it and gets up to leave. The bartender asks him "don't you want to go to the bathroom before you leave?"

"No," says the pig. " Haven't you heard of me? I'm the pig who goes wee wee all the way home."

Two Women Gotta Pee

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."

Wife Issues

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression.

The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?" The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

The bartender said, "That should make you happy."

The man said, "No, the month is up today!"

Worst Day Ever - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can't do nothing for me. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there so the cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison."