Funny Bar Blonde Dirty Marriage Old Age Redneck Jokes

Social Security

After retiring, a man went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opened his shirt revealing his curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.
When he got home, he excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten Disability."

Dying of Cancer

Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.
Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.
When the friends leave the son asks, 'Dad, you are dying of cancer.
Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?'
The father replies, 'I don't want them screwing your mother after I'm gone!'

Quick Dump

A man went into the public toilets to relieve himself. The first cubicle was in use, so he went into the next one. As he took down his trousers, he heard a voice from the other cubicle.

"Hey, hows it going?"
Not wanting to be rude, he replied, "Not too bad thanks."
A few seconds later, he heard the voice again.
"What are you up to?"
Somewhat reluctantly, he replied, "Having a quick sh*t, what about you?"
He heard the voice again....
"Hold on, I'm going to have to call you back. There's some dumb ass is in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say!!

Super Night Out

Superman is looking to have a night out. He calls Batman. Batman out with Robin. He calls the Invisible Man. He doesn't pick up his phone. So he's flying around the city looking for something to do. With his super sight he sees into Wonder Woman's window, and she's spread eagle on the bed. He thinks "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could fly in, do my thing, and then fly out and she'll never know." He does this and while he's flying away he hears Wonder Woman with his super hearing saying "did you hear something?" and the Invisible Man says "No, but man my ass hurts"

Sexy Password

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on "washing machine".
Later in bed that night husband says, "Washing machine".
Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head".
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine".
Husband replies, "To late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand."

Sex Ad

A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

Sick Baby Joke

A woman was sitting in her hospital bed as the nurse carried her newborn baby to her side, as the nurse passed the window she tripped and the baby flew out of her hands and through the open window. Much to the womans horror the nurse jumped up and said "April Fools, your baby was already dead."

Chief Cannibal - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

Three men were trapped on an island with a cannibal clan in Africa. The Chief Cannibal steps up and looks at the three men.

"If you want to leave this island alive, you must first find ten of the same types of fruit; do this, then come back to me."

Then, the three men go there own separate ways to find the ten fruits. The first man comes back with ten apples and the chief orders him to put all ten apples up his butt without making a face. He puts the first apple in fine but winces when he puts in the second one so the cannibals eat him. The second man comes back with ten berries and the chief asks him to do the same thing. So the man starts to put the berries up his butt.

1.... 2.... 3.... 4.... 5.... 6.... 7.... 8.... Just then he bursts out laughing and the cannibals eat him. Up in heaven the two dead men meet each other and start talking about what had just happened

"You were sooo close" said the first man "Why did you just burst out laughing all of a sudden?"

"I couldn’t help it" replied the second man "I saw the third guy come back with pineapples."

Lonely Child

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"

"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the freaking goalie."

Hungry Hobo

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

The Golden Frog

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.
The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

Hearing Loss

A man in his 80's reads that hearing loss is rapid at his age so he decides to give his wife, the same age as him a test. She is in the kitchen with her back to him, so he asks quietly "What's for lunch darling?" He gets no response. A little worried...he takes two steps closer. "What's for lunch darling?" Again she keeps her back to him and doesn't respond. Now he is really worried so he goes right up behind her and asks again "What's for lunch darling?" At this she suddenly whirls round and yells "For the third time you deaf bastard we're having pork chops!!!!!"

Moving On Up

A popular preacher announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush.
No one wants him to leave so Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs, and applauds.
Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"
More sighs and applause.
Mrs. Ella May, age 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!!"
There is a hush.
The preacher, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Mrs. Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: Fuck him!"

Polite Way To Pee - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said,"Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
"What about you Sherman, how would you say it."
Sherman said, "I am sorry, but i really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"Thats better, but its still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said, " I would say: Darling, may i be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
The teacher fainted....

Blind Blonde Joke

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Pet Shop Parrot

A man was robbed last night. So he went to buy a guard dog from the nearby pet shop. The pet shop had a ferocious dog for sale, and the man thought the dog was perfect. So he asks the pet shop owner how much for that dog. The pet shop owner replies "Oh I can't sell you that dog, he's best friends with this parrot. It would devastate them both to be separated."
"I'll take them both then," the man replies. So he goes home with a new parrot and guard dog.
Later that night, the robber returns. He begins to climb up a tree to the same window he used last time. As he is climbing the tree, he hears an eerie voice say "Jesus is watching you." Slightly confused, he continues to climb the tree. He reaches the branch closest to the window, and hears an eerie voice say "Jesus is watching you." Even more confused, and slightly worried, he looks in the window and sees the parrot, who eerily says "Jesus is watching you." Relieved, the robber thinks "It's just a religious parrot, nothing to worry about."
The robber opens the window and goes in. He takes one step and hears "Sick'em Jesus!"

The Wash Cloth

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.
She responded, "It's my wash cloth."
Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.
The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it."
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.
A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."
The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing Daddy's face with it."

Train Ride

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow!…That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied…. "Get your own fucking blanket."

Fix This

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

First Time

A boy decided to have a dinner with his girlfriend parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Hell Yes I Would! - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."